AT THE COFFEE SHOP

YOU: I’ll have an iced mocha latte and a good twist for the third act of my screenplay.

BARISTA: Name?

YOU: No Cigar.

BARISTA: Your name. For the cup.

YOU: Oh, not the name of my screenplay?

BARISTA: No.

YOU: Just put “screenwriter.” I know it’s a lot of letters. I’m used to writing a lot of letters, you know, when I’m working on my screenplay.

BARISTA: [Sigh]

YOU: You know, Close, But No Cigar? It’s a period drama about a conflicted Cuban cigar roller who—

BARISTA: Next.

AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE

DOCTOR: What brings you in today?

YOU: I’m feeling an itchy sensation and a burning desire to finish my screenplay.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I cannot help you.

YOU: With the itching, or my underdeveloped female characters?

DOCTOR: I’m a medical doctor.

YOU: That’s the title of my screenplay! Medical Doctor is a horror film about a conflicted Ph.D. in English who goes on a rampage because he’s not considered a “real” doc—

DOCTOR: Put your clothes on.

AT THE GROCERY STORE

YOU: I need all this peanut butter to give me the energy to finish my screenplay.

CASHIER: Credit or debit?

YOU: Yes, that’s the title! Credit or Debit.

CASHIER: Press the button.

YOU: Do you give cash back?

CASHIER: Yes.

YOU: I need all the cash I can get if I’m going to finish my screenplay. Credit or Debit is a thriller about a conflicted bank robber who—

CASHIER: Cash Back is a better title.

YOU: [Stunned silence]

ANYWHERE IN PUBLIC

YOU: Did you drop this screenplay?

STRANGER: No.

YOU: Oh wait, it’s mine.

STRANGER: Please don’t wave that in my face.

YOU: In My Face is a rom-com about the recipient of the world’s first full-face transplant who meets a conflicted—

STRANGER: Stop following me.

WHILST MAKING LOVE

LOVER: A little to the left.

YOU: A Little to the Left is a pornographic feature about a conflicted left-handed pizza delivery driver who—

LOVER: I’ll never orgasm again.

AT A WEDDING

OFFICIANT: Dearly beloved—

YOU: Is an action comedy about a polygamous bride who has to save her fiancé who has been kidnapped by his other wives in order to stop their impending nuptials.

YOUR FIANCÉ: Why are you interrupting your own wedding to talk about your screenplay?

YOU: Why are you marrying me if you’ll never orgasm again? You knew what you were getting into.

YOUR FIANCÉ: And I explore those conflicted feelings in my screenplay, With This Ring.

YOU: I don’t know why you have to bring up your screenplay all the time.

YOU and YOUR FIANCÉ: We both wrote screenplays.

OFFICIANT: I now pronounce you legally wed.

AT DAYCARE

YOU: I’m here to pick up my baby.

CHILDCARE WORKER: Who?

YOU: My baby. My screenplay. I dropped it off this morning?

CHILDCARE WORKER: Oh, right. You.

YOU: You is a riveting documentary about a conflicted screenwriter trying desperately to talk about his screenplay.

CHILDCARE WORKER: Spare me, Jesus.

YOU: Did you hear that, children? I wrote a screenplay.

AT A FUNERAL

YOU: Dead to me.

MOURNER: What did you say?

YOU: Dead to Me is a sci-fi adventure about a conflicted scientist who travels to the afterlife—

MOURNER: Do I know you?

YOU: Probably. I’m a screenwriter.

AT WORK

BOSS: Hey, do you have a minute?

YOU: Barely. I’m so deep in my screenplay…

BOSS: That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.

YOU: Awesome! Finally! Someone wants to talk about my screenplay! Did you find the exposition heavy-handed? Does the resolution of my hero’s journey feel earned? Is the B-story grounded in truth? Does it sag in the second act? Is it conflicted enough?

BOSS: You’re fired.

YOU: You’re Fired is a comedy screenplay about an aspiring screenplay who is laid off and sets fire to a rival screenplay and the fire is put out by a screenplay about a brave volunteer firefighter who is also writing a screenplay—

BOSS: Get your things.

YOU: Do you know anyone in the industry?