My grandfather, Walter, is 91 and he hates Christmas. Yet every year, there is one bright spot in his holiday season: his annual Christmas newsletter.

He calls it “Pat and Walter’s Year in Review: Special Holiday Edition.” The Holiday Edition is its only edition. Despite being named in the title, it is my impression that my grandmother Pat is not allowed to participate in the newsletter’s production. This is purely Walter’s project. He writes, edits, designs, prints and mails it with great pride.

It is one page, with a handful of color photos and captions describing highlights in Pat and Walter’s year along with major milestones in their family extended universe.

In total, my grandparents have 5 daughters, 12 grandchildren, and 5 great grandchildren—far too many people to fit on one page. So to be included is a badge of honor that can make or break your entire holiday.

Come December, our family buzzes with a secret, silent undercurrent of competition. Who will be featured? Who will be left out? The suspense is staggering, although we would never dare admit how much we care. We’re good, stoic Catholics, after all.

When the newsletter arrives, I open the envelope with trepidation, just as all my relatives do—hoping that I have done something special enough to merit inclusion.

The last time I was mentioned by name was in 2011, in a short list describing the jobs of Kleinschrod grandchildren. It said I was a show biz publicist. I’m not. But it didn’t matter. I coasted on that good feeling straight through Valentine’s Day.

Folks, I happen to have, hot off the presses, “Pat and Walter’s Year in Review: Special Holiday Edition.” Shall we look at it together?

Okay. Let’s see if Bizzy did anything worth mentioning in 2019.

First up, we have a photo of Pat and Walter celebrating Pat’s 89th birthday. Isn’t that sweet? But also, after you’ve had 89 birthdays, is it really newsworthy?

Now, I don’t expect this newsletter to be ALL about me, but, isn’t it MORE newsworthy that their granddaughter Bizzy has been swept up in a year-long international romance, jetting back and forth to Europe to see her Irish boytoy thanks to the cheap direct flights to Dublin from Stewart Airport? Just an editorial suggestion.

Next, here’s a photo of great grandkids #1 and #2 playing Monopoly. Monopoly. Okay. My grandfather COULD have used this real estate for something else, maybe, I don’t know, some family trivia!

Like, who in the family traveled the farthest for sex this year? Surprise! It was Bizzy. 3,178 miles to Dublin, one way. In metric, that’s 5,114 kilometers. That’s much more interesting than Monopoly.

Next up, okay, here’s great grandkid #3, my sweet little nephew. Now, I love him to pieces, but let’s be honest, it’s just a cute photo, it’s not like he actually accomplished anything. I mean, he did learn to walk, but we’ve all done that.

Now you know who DID accomplish something? Bizzy Coy. In 2019, at the ripe age of 35, she mastered her first uncircum—sorry, this is a family show. I mean. She mastered her first...untrimmed tree. Surely that is something my parents and all of my aunts would like to know about.

Okay, now, there’s a sentence about how great grandchild #4 was born in July. Which is fine if you care about that sort of news, but you know what’s really big news? Stewart Airport permanently cancelled their route to Ireland. Shocking, right? Isn’t that way more important than a boring old baby?

It begs so many other questions, like, how will Bizzy’s long distance relationship survive, and what is she going to do with all these unused airline miles?

Next, oh, look, ANOTHER great grandchild was born in 2019! I mean, congratulations, but isn’t this getting kind of repetitive? You’ve seen one newborn, you’re seen them all.

Now, not to be self-centered—this newsletter is not about me—but I would have liked to have seen an in-depth discussion of Bizzy’s heartbreak after her Irish love affair came to its sudden, inevitable end this fall.

That is what the people want to hear about.

And finally, there’s a photo of the vintage Mickey Mouse Christmas ornament that my grandparents hang on their tree. Now, come on. A Christmas ornament isn’t even a human person. It’s an inanimate object that is not at all emotionally affected by its ongoing exclusion from the family newsletter.

And this would have been a great spot for my grandfather to post a personal ad on behalf of his frequently single granddaughter, who is now extremely adept at handling Christmas trees both trimmed and untrimmed, domestic and international.

Well, we’ve reached the end of “Pat and Walter’s Year in Review: Special Holiday Edition.” You can be sure I’m going to write a strongly worded letter to the editor about the 2019 issue.

In the meantime, I hope 2020 will be a newsletter-worthy for me… and for all of you.

Happy Holidays.